Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas

Persons have this thing called Christmas. It's something to do with a Baby Person who was born Long Long Ago.

Baby Person Eddie came here last week. Baby Person Eddie was born 5 Months Ago. I was born 30 Months Ago.

Baby Person Eddie does CRYING when he wants something. Person gives him what he wants.

If I do Crying or if Monty the Mont does Crying or if Marmite does Crying, Person doesn't give US what we want. She goes away and does something else.

I love Baby Eddie Person. He Smells Interesting.

I wonder whether the Baby Person born Long Long Ago Smelt Interesting too?

Some dogs my Dog Listener Person goes to see have BIRDS living Inside their Home.

A Black Dog called Charlie has a Crow living with him.

Charlie's Crow flies around the House. Charlie's Crow can TALK Person-Talk.

Another Dog who lives with a Bird is Shelly. Shelly is a White German Shepherd. Shelly also lives with Chihuahua called Rosie. Shelly and Rosie have a Cockateel.

My Dog Listener Person went to see a Boxer Dog called Fred. Person went to see Fred because he did TOO MUCH BARKING.

Fred has a Parrot living with him. Parrot was born Long Long Ago because she is a Very Old Bird.

Parrot says BED FRED and Fred goes to his bed. Parrot says WOOF WOOF and Fred BARKS and then Parrot shouts SHUT UP FRED.

Parrot makes Car-Stopping noises and Fred BARKS then Parrot shouts SHUT UP FRED.

Parrot can make Doorbell noise. Fred runs to the door and BARKS and Parrot goes WOOF WOOF SHUT UP FRED.

My Person says she's not a Parrot Listener. I think I heard Person say Sellotape and Beak.

Anyway, I don't know if I can do Christmas. But I can do MERRY.

It's hard to do MERRY quietly.

So have a MERRY Christmas.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Getting into a STATE

Person went to see a VERY BIG DOG this week.

The VERY BIG dog's name is Turkish. Turkish is an English Mastiff. Turkish lives with Stella who is the same colour as ME!

Turkish may be VERY BIG, but sometimes Turkish can be VERY SCARED.

Turkish is also very Gentle. His Persons are now letting Turkish understand that Persons are IN CHARGE. Soon Turkish won't be Scared any longer.

Person then went to see a White Border Collie called Bing.

Bing is only 9 months old. Bing was in Kennels until she was Five Months Old because nobody wanted her! Bing is DEAF and Bing is Nearly BLIND and Bing has a lovely home now.

I'm a Sight Hound so I'm not Nearly Blind. I'm a Hearing Hound too. I can Hear EVERYTHING. I can hear Hedgehogs under the bonfire in our field.

Poor Bing gets Very Confused.

Bing GETS INTO A STATE. Bing Spins and she Snaps the Air and she Barks and she Pants.

My Dog Listener Person showed Bing's He-Person how to do Calm Freeze.

So, Bing's He-Person held Bing for a Long LONG Time. He held onto Bing FIRMLY and CALMLY.

Then Bing lay down. Bing became CALM. Then Bing sighed.

A little while later Bing was quite OK and she went off to play. So now Bing's Persons know what to do when Bing GETS INTO A STATE.

It's time now for me to go out and look at my New Hole in the field. (Dog Listeners say Digging Holes is something to do with Status. Weird). I'm just Digging for MOLES.

Bing could Dig for Moles if she was with me and Marmite and Monty the Mont in our field. You don't need to SEE and you don't need to HEAR to dig up Moles. Bing could SCENT moles.

Anyway, because I'm a Hearing Hound and I can hear EVERYTHING, I shall be able to hear if He-Person comes to see what that Bloody Pip's up to.

When He-Person catches me Digging Holes, he GETS INTO A STATE too.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


Yesterday I heard a BIG BANG.


Then another BIG BANG. Person looked up and said Fireworks. Then Person just went back to watching Casualty. That must be OK then.

So I went back to sleep on Person's feet.

I'm not scared of firework BANGS. Monty the Mont isn't scared of firework BANGS. Marmite isn't scared of firework BANGS.

When bright lights FIZZ and SHOOT and EXPLODE and SHOWER DOWN in the sky, I sit outside on our veranda, Monty the Mont sits outside on our veranda and Marmite sits outside on our veranda.

Sometimes Person sits outside on our veranda with us.

We watch the fireworks FIZZING and BANGING and EXPLODING and SHOWERING DOWN.

Because my Person is a Dog Listener she is helping other dogs not to be scared of BANGS and FIREWORKS. She shows Owner Persons how to behave like she does.

My Dog Listener Person says to Owner Persons Don't Fuss and Cuddle and Comfort Your Dog because it will think you are SCARED and WORRIED. Act NORMAL.

Anyway, I like Person Cuddling and Fussing me. It makes me feel IMPORTANT.

When I get to feel toooooo IMPORTANT Person does her Dog Listening on me and IGNORES me.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Tiddle Tiddle Good Boy

Eddie is a Baby Person Grandchild and Eddie is 11 weeks old.

I like Eddie's smell. Baby Persons don't have to go Outside to do their Poos. Baby Persons do Poos and Tiddles in Nappies.

Monty the Mont is getting in my way.

I can't lick Eddie's feet because Eddie is in a Travel Cot. I slept in a Dog Crate when I was a Baby Dog.

I was a Baby Dog two years ago.

When I was a Baby Dog every time I woke up Person took me Outside and she said Tiddle Tiddle Good Boy. Every time after I ate my food Person took me Outside and she said Tiddle Tiddle Good Boy. Even in the middle of every night Person took me Outside and she said Tiddle Tiddle Good Boy.

Person never says Tiddle Tiddle Good Boy to Eddie.

I wonder why Baby Dogs don't wear Nappies.

Anyway, Person no longer says Tiddle Tiddle to me, but she still says Good Boy sometimes, (but she didn't say Good Boy after I chewed her Driving Licence yesterday).

Saturday, September 08, 2007


Person went to Dog Listen with two puppies last week.

One was another Golden Retriever. Her name is Purdy and she is 12 weeks old.

Purdy has very SHARP TEETH.

And Leo is a Labradoodle and he is 18 weeks old.

Leo's teeth aren't quite so SHARP as Purdy's, but Leo is already Big and Strong, and Leo PULLS his Person when he is out on his lead going for Walks.

Already Purdy is learning not to nip Persons with her TEETH. Already Leo is learning not to PULL on the lead.

This is Leo. You can see Leo's He-Person's shoes too.

Person bought me and Marmite and Monty the Mont a New Toy each when she came home today from seeing a Beardie and a Collie.

Monty the Mont and Marmite are chasing me round the lawn mower trying to get MY New Toy.

Soon I shall have all Three of the New Toys.

Person says this is called DOG IN THE MANGER. I would like it in The Manger.

Anyway, Monty the Mont can NEVER catch me. Marmite can NEVER catch me.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Going to Work

Person has been to see lots and lots of dogs because she is a Dog Listener.

So, Person has been Too Busy to write my Blog for me.

But there is good news. Pippin has a New Home. Pippin's NEW Persons have a lot more time for Pippin, and Pippin's new He-Person even takes Pippin to Work.

WORK is something Persons do. Dog Listening is my Person's Work. I would like Person to take me with her to her Work.

Today if I had gone to Work with Person I would have met Bella and Bella is just ten weeks old. Bella is a Golden Retriever. Person says Bella is Very Determined. (Person sometimes says that I am Very Determined, so Very Determined must be good).

In this picture Bella is THINKING.

Bella has just nipped my Person on the finger and Person SQUEELED - just like I would Squeel if Bella bit me. Person turned her back on Bella and walked away. So Bella is now THINKING.

Anyway, If I went to Work with Person and Bella had nipped me, I wouldn't have Squeeled.

I would have NIPPED Bella back.

Then Bella would know not to nip ME again.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


Something very sad is happening about Pippin.

A little while ago I told my Blog about Pippin. He is a brindled Staffie Boxer cross my Dog Listener Person went to see (I'm called Pip).

When my Dog Listener Person left Pippin's house, she whispered to her I love you and I would like to put you in my bag and take you home.

I didn't know if I wanted a Brindled Staffie Cross in my Home - especially a Brindled Staffie Cross called Pippin. I already have Monty the Mont and I have Marmite to teach I'm BOSS. (Monty the Mont doesn't agree).

Anyway, Person says Brindled Staffie Cross Pippin's own Persons wouldn't let her come to my home.

Now Pippin's Persons are going a LONG WAY AWAY to somewhere called the Middle East. They can't take Pippin. This is because she is half Staffie and Not Allowed in the Middle East (I'm half Saluki - would I be Allowed in the Middle East?)

So Pippin needs a New Home.

My Person says she LOVES Pippin, but now she says we can't have her. Person says she can't come and live here really. But I could learn to like her, so could Monty the Mont. Marmite would like her straight away.

Person says she LOVES me. I hope she keeps having me living here and doesn't send me away if Half Saluki is Not Allowed in the Middle East.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Another Lurcher

My Person came home today smelling of LURCHER and that Lurcher wasn't me! It was a Bigger Lurcher and a Browner Lurcher. His name is Ted.

Ted is only 9 months old and Ted likes Digging Holes. I like Digging Holes too. You can see one of Ted's Holes in the picture.

Ted has a Girl-Person called Molly. I hope Molly writes to me in my Blog.

Person has been to see lots and lots of dogs, and I have been shut OUTSIDE. It has RAINED and RAINED. We have the garden, our kennel and our field to play in. I don't think Persons trusts me in the house any more. Not since I ate the Ten Pound Note. (While I was shut OUTSIDE last week I did manage to spread barbeque coal all over the garden).

There is Very Good News. Poppy the the Tan Greyhound has found a NEW HOME.

There is Very Sad News which made my Person cry tears. Robin who was Mary Person's Labrador and who was a Very Old Dog had to be Put to Sleep. Here is a picture of Robin with Hunny:

Anyway, I don't need to be Put to Sleep. I can go to sleep all by myself.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Brindled Staffie Cross

My Person came home today smelling of Jack Russell and Border Collie. Jack Russell is called Towser and here he is:

Yesterday Person smelled of two Rotties and the day before she smelled of a Brindled Staffie Cross called Pippin. That is funny, because I'm called Pip.

When she left Pippin's house, my Person whispered to her I love you and I would like to put you in my bag and take you home.

I don't know if I want a Brindled Staffie Cross in my Home - especially a Brindled Staffie Cross called Pippin. I already have Monty the Mont and I have Marmite to teach I'm BOSS. (Monty the Mont doesn't agree).

Anyway, Person says Brindled Staffie Cross Pippin's own Persons love her too much, so she can't come to my home.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

A Home for Poppy where she is Safe and Loved

Poppy is a Greyhound. She isn't a Grey Greyhound though. Poppy is Tan. She should be called a Tanhound. Poppy looks a bit like ME.

Poppy is 5 years old.

Poppy's Persons have SPLIT UP and Poppy has NOWHERE TO LIVE. All she longs for is to be Safe and Loved. I am Safe and Loved. So is Monty the Mont and so is Marmite.

I don't like the sound of SPLITTING UP. I did have my WOUND last year though, when I pierced myself on the wire fence.

Poppy was an Irish racing dog. Before her Persons SPLIT UP, Poppy was just starting to be a Dog and not just a Racing Machine. I want to find Poppy a NEW HOME so she can be Safe and Loved just like I am.

Person came home smelling of two HUGE Great Danes on Thursday. They are called Pluto and Skye. Because Person is a Dog Listener she showed Great Danes Persons how to give Pluto and Skye Time Out by IGNORING them, and THANKING them when they Bark.

When Person left she called Pluto to her and gave him a Treat. Then she called Skye to her and gave her a Treat too.

On Friday morning Pluto and Skye's Persons said to my Dog Listener Person: "Did your treats have some sort of Tranquiliser in them? How can they have changed so dramatically – it is amazing".

Anyway, I like to be a Racing Machine. Monty the Mont and Marmite can't catch me.

And it would take a LOT more than that to Tranquilise ME.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

That Bloody Pip

I was very WORRIED today. I thought Marmite was Never Coming Home. Monty the Mont thought Marmite was Never Coming Home.

He-Person and He-Person's Rellies from New Zealand took Marmite for a Hunt (Persons say Walk). Marmite is Monty the Mont's Rellie. They have the same father.

He Persons and Rellie-Persons didn't take me for a Hunt and they didn't take Monty the Mont for a Hunt. We stayed at Home with Person.

On Monday I didn't get any of Person's attention because on Monday Luke and Lovely Louise brought Elle-Baby-Person to our house. Ruth Person's Second Born and Allen came to our house too. These are She-Person's Rellies.

I was Shut behind the caging, Monty the Mont was Shut behind the caging and Marmite was Shut behind the caging.

I like the smell of Baby. But I couldn't even get to Baby Elle's feet to lick them.

So on Tuesday I thought it was time to get some ATTENTION.

He-Person called me That Bloody Pip on Tuesday. She-Person said she couldn't think What Got Into me.

But instead of ATTENTION, Person didn't SPEAK to me all evening. Person didn't LOOK at me all evening. Person IGNORED me.

Person didn't SPEAK to me all Wednesday. Person didn't LOOK at me all Wednesday. Person IGNORED me.

Person did all her Dog Listening things with me. Person did Gesture Eating with me. Person kept me BEHIND her.

Anyway, I knew Person wouldn't be able to keep it up because she loves me really. On Thursday she gave me a Big Cuddle.

Perhaps He-Person and He-Person's Rellies from New Zealand will take me for a Hunt tomorrow.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

A dog that doesn't like Walks!

My Person came home from Dog Listening smelling of two Black Labradors and a Ginger CAT last Wednesday.

One of the Black Labradors is called Ebony. Ebony is SCARED. Ebony doesn't like Walks. Doesn't like Walks! I LOVE Walks (really Walks are Hunts, Sniffs and Runs).

Monty the Mont is a Black Labrador, but Monty isn't SCARED like Ebony when he's out on Walks.

Ebony has her Tail Down and she Hangs Back. If Ebony's Person lets her off-lead, Ebony runs away and doesn't come back for a Long Time.

Ebony's Person had sent Ebony away to stay with a Dog Trainer for a Whole Week.

Afterwards, the Dog Trainer told Ebony's Person to Hide and to Watch. The Trainer walked past with Ebony.

Ebony had no lead and she walked happily beside the Dog Trainer. Ebony's Tail was Waggy and she was Smiling. Then the Dog Trainer sent Ebony away to play with two other dogs in a field. Then he called Ebony back and she came right away.

Ebony's Person said Ebony looked like a Different Dog. She had never before seen Ebony looking happy on a walk, with her Tail Waggy.

My Tail Is Curly and Waggy, Monty the Mont's Tail is Straight and Waggy just like Ebony's and so is Marmite's.

Sadly, as SOON as Ebony was back home with her Person she was Scared again.

As SOON as Ebony's Person put the lead on Ebony's tail Went Down. As SOON as Ebony's Person took Ebony's lead off, Ebony ran away again and didn't come back for a Long Time.

My Person said it just shows Ebony Never Needed a Dog Trainer.

My Dog Listener Person showed Ebony's Person how to behave like an Alpha Wolf, just like the Dog Trainer did.

My Person won't be sending me away to live with a Dog Trainer for a Whole Week. Anyway, I have learnt to play her Dog Listening Games. Monty the Mont learnt to Play Person's Dog Listening Games. (Person says Marmite is getting a bit Above Herself lately so Marmite is being IGNORED for a while).

Here is a picture of Ebony, Inca and the Ginger CAT (Ebony is at the back):

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Person DARE NOT take me to Dog Training

I have not been to see Linsey Trainer Person at Person Training (Dog Training ha ha) for a Long Time. Marmite hasn't been to Training for a Long Time. (Monty the Mont never goes to Training because Monty the Mont doesn't like Training).

Granny Person is in Hospital. Person goes to see Granny Person Every Day to help her to eat her Dinner.

I would like Person to help me to eat my Dinner. If Person helped me to eat my Dinner it would make me feel IMPORTANT. Instead, she IGNORES me when I eat my Dinner. Then she removes my bowl straight away - before Marmite can come and see if I have left anything for her.

Person is visiting Granny Person and she is doing Dog Listening with lots of other Dogs. So Person now hasn't much time for Me, or for Monty the Mont or for Marmite.

Person says we are Getting Above Ourselves.

So Person DARE NOT take me or Marmite to Training now. I just might JUMP UP. I just might PULL ON LEAD. Marmite just might make a PUDDLE on the Floor.

A Dog Listener CANNOT have Dogs herself that Jump Up or Pull on Lead or make a Puddle on the Floor.

Luke, Person's Fourth Born, came to see us with Lovely Louise and Baby Elle.

Anyway, I'm off out to our Field now to see what Monty the Mont is Barking at.

PS. Dog Listeners CANNOT have Dogs that Bark out in the Field, either.

Friday, May 04, 2007


I'm Not Allowed Toys in the House. We must go OUTSIDE to Play.

But because Person is out Dog Listening all the time, Person says we are Getting Away With Murder.

The rug slides across the wood floor when I chase Monty the Mont and when Monty the Mont chases Marmite and when Marmite chases me to get the Toy. Then I Get Into Trouble.

On Monday Person came home smelling of Patterdale. Patterdale is called Ruby. Ruby does Vertical Take-Off. This is Ruby.

On Tuesday Person came home smelling of two Bull Mastiffs called Max and Macy.

Everyone was IGNORING Max because Max was Clamouring for Attention. Max has a Very Big Head.

Here is Macy Keeping Out of Trouble.

I don't always Keep Out of Trouble. I quite like Trouble. It's better than being IGNORED.

Anyway, I don't need to do Vertical Take-Off because I'm Tall. Monty the Mont doesn't need to do Vertical Take-Off because he's Tall also.

Marmite isn't Tall, but Marmite is too FAT to do Vertical Take-Off.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Isolated from The Pack

Person came home smelling of Italian Spinone yesterday evening.

Italian Spinone didn't smell like Green Pasta though. It smelt of Big Puppy called Monty. But Monty Spinone doesn't look like Monty the Mont at all. Monty Spinone is Pale Grey. Monty the Mont is Black.

Monty Spinone has Very Big Feet which means he will grow into a Very Big Dog.

Person also came home smelling of Dexter who lives with Monty Spinone. Dexter is a Flatcoat Retriever and he is Black (just like Monty the Mont).

Dexter once saw some Persons having a Picnic in a Field. I would love a Picnic in a Field. Dexter came back with two Ham Sandwiches. Picnic Persons were standing up and shouting.

Person Dog Listener has been to see Dexter, so when Dexter gets Too Big for his Boots he is ISOLATED from The Pack. He goes into the Kitchen All By Himself for a little while. When Monty Spinone gets Too Big for his Boots he will be ISOLATED from the Pack for a minute in the Study.

Monty Spinone needs Very Big Boots because he has Very Big Feet.

When I get Too Big for my Boots I am ISOLATED from The Pack in the Hall. Then I go into the Bedroom because the door doesn't shut and I eat Tissues from the Bin.

I know that Person won't ISOLATE me from The Pack for long, even though she is a Dog Listener.

Person Loves me really.

Anyway, Person doesn't trust me in the Bedroom.

Here is a Dog Sandwich- Me with Marmite and Monty the Mont.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Failing to Comply

Person had a letter from Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

The letter says Person Failed to Comply with the Speed Limit. This is the SECOND time Person has Failed to Comply with the Speed Limit.

Person can only Fail to Comply with the Speed Limit one more time. If she Fails to Comply with the Speed Limit MORE than one more time, then there will be No More Dog Listening.

If Person did NO More Dog Listening, then Person could take me out for HUNTING, SNIFFING and MARKING instead. She could take out Monty the Mont, and Marmite too.

Persons don't Go Marking and Persons don't Go Sniffing. They just do 'Walks' because they 'feel like it' because the sun is shining.


Person is Not Happy with me today. I Failed to Comply with Person's Garden Limits.

When Person was out Dog Listening I made another HOLE in the fence. So now Person is now IGNORING ME for a..l o n g..t i m e.

Anyway, if Person keeps on Failing to Comply with the Speed Limit, Person can't go out Dog Listening any more and I shall not make HOLES in the fence any more.

I am trying to have a Very SORRY and COMPLIANT Look on my Face.

Here is Noola with Dizzy. Dizzy has a Very RESIGNED Look on her Face. Perhaps Noola is Failing to Comply with Dizzy's Patience Limits.

Here is George who Person did Dog Listening with yesterday.

George has a Very SMUG Look on his Face because George is Failing to Comply with Person's Dog Listening Limits.

George is now sitting in Person's chair. Person gently pushed George away all evening and Ignored him.

But then Person stood up.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Jumping Jack Russell

Yesterday my Person came home smelling of a Jack Russell called Champ.

Poor Champ Jumps Up in the Air to catch flies, or Runs round and round in circles, even when there are no flies. He just Can't Stop himself from Jumping Up in the Air and Running round and round in circles.

Person called Champ Come and Person gave him one of her Special Dog Listening Treats. Then Champ started Jumping Up in the Air again.

Here is a picture of Champ trying to catch a fly.

Champ's Person now understands how to help Champ. Soon he will be able to Lie About and Chill.

I am now Lying About and Chilling on the door mat in the sun, with Monty the Mont and with Marmite.

Person keeps her Special Dog Listening Treats in a plastic tub in her Dog Listening bag.

Yesterday Person left her Dog Listening bag on the floor. I could smell Special Dog Listening Treats through the plastic tub.

Anyway, Person found another plastic tub and some more Special dog Listening treats.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Not to say NO to your dog

Person is trying Something New when she goes out Dog Listening.

She is saying, TRY NOT TO SAY 'NO' to your Dog for Two Whole Weeks.

Person never says 'NO' to me, nor to Monty the Mont nor to Marmite. She does sometimes make a warning noise though, uh-uh, or she may give me a Loooong Look.(He-Person often shouts 'NO' at us though, especially when he is watching Sport on TV and we're trying to Play).

Sasha the Rottie Puppy's Persons are going to TRY NOT TO SAY NO to Sasha. They could call Sasha Come instead and they will say Good Girl if she comes away from the NO thing. Sasha's Persons may gently lead Sasha away from the No thing. But if Sasha won't then come away from the NO thing she will be put somewhere All By Herself for a little while.

Person came home smelling of Chocolate Labrador yesterday. Lola is Chocolate Labrador mixed with something else and she is six months old. Lola has three Child Persons to Play with. I would like to play with Lola. But Lola would never be able to catch me. I am a Streamlined Racing Hound.

Lola's Persons are going to TRY NOT TO SAY 'NO' to Lola, but to call Lola Come instead. They will say Good Girl if she comes away from the No thing. If Lola doesn't come away from the No thing she will be put somewhere All By Herself for a little while.

Anyway, here I am, a Streamlined Sleeping Hound.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Rottie Puppy

This morning Person said to He-Person Your mobile isn't in the Field. What she really meant was Pip didn't take your mobile, see?

Love Me Tender Love Me True was coming from He-Person's mobile - from Upstairs. (Upstairs is where He-Person was shouting BLOODY REF at the TV yesterday while She-Person was out Dog Listening).

Person came home smelling Very Interesting Indeed. She smelt of Puppy. A Rottweiller Puppy called Sasha. I sniffed Person's Shoe Lace for a Long Time because it smelt of Rottie Puppy Chewing.

Sasha has Two SPOTS. they are little Brown Spots, one over each of her Eyes.

Sasha does three things mostly. She sleeps, she plays, and she Grabs Trouser Legs. Sometimes she makes Little Holes in the trousers. Sometimes she Grabs Person Skin too.

When Sasha is asleep she looks like a Little Angel. When Sasha is Awake she is sometimes like a Little Devil.

Now Sasha's Persons are IGNORING her when Sasha is Naughty. Sometimes they put her OUT All By Herself. Sometimes they WALK RIGHT OUT and leave Sasha All Alone. Sasha doesn't like being All Alone, though she may Pretend she doesn't mind.

Soon Sasha will Stop Grabbing Trouser Legs. Soon Sasha will be a Very Happy Rottie Puppy. Soon Sasha's Persons will be Very Happy Persons and soon Sasha's Boy-Person James will be able to Play with Sasha again.

Anyway, if Sasha saw He-Person's mobile she would have taken it away to Chew, like I chewed the Remote Control once. But that is because she is only a Puppy.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Mobile Phone

He-Person has lost his Mobile Phone.

He-Person says he left his Mobile Phone on the chair.

She-Person was out Dog Listening again. He-Person was watching Sport on TV and he was doing a lot of shouting BLOODY REF. When He-Person watches Sport on TV he does NOT Watch me. He does NOT watch Monty the Mont and he does NOT watch Marmite.

When She-Person came home I heard her saying I don't suppose it's OUTSIDE in the field. Tomorrow morning when it's light Persons will look to see if He-Person's Mobile Phone is in our field. I shall be Very Quiet and Very Good tomorrow morning. (I always get the blame - like I did with the Remote Control).

Anyway, Person saw another SPOTTY Dog today. But this SPOTTY Dog was ENORMOUS. Lots and LOTS of BLACK SPOTS and a Very Big SAD Face. He is called Tarquin. Tarquin's SPOTS are SO BIG they run into other SPOTS. He is the BIGGEST SPOTTY DOG that Person has Ever Seen.

I still have never seen a SPOTTY Dog. Only Spotty Persons. The ENORMOUS SPOTTY Dog was called Tarquin. Here he is:

Sunday, April 01, 2007


My Person went to see a Chocolate Labrador today. He is called Cadbury. At first Person Ignored Cadbury because she is a Dog Listener. Then she taught him to Walk Nicely next to her. He had never Walked Nicely next to a Person before.

I don't Always Walk Nicely next to Person. So she STOPS. Then she Changes Direction. Marmite doesn't always walk Nicely next to Person. Monty the Mont doesn't always Walk Nicely next to Person either. Monty likes to LUNGE at the telegraph pole.

Cadbury is smaller than Marmite. And THINNER.

My Person went to a Wedding yesterday. Neighbour-From-Heaven's First-Born called Vicky was Getting Married.

Getting Married is something Persons do. They are meant to Get Married and Live Happily Ever After, then they can make Baby Persons.

Ole is a Daddy but he didn't get Married before helping to make Baby Dogs.

Anyway, I can't help to make Baby Dogs because I have had The Operation. Can I still get to Live Happily Ever After though?

Here is a picture of Cadbury with Dollar who is a Jack Russell.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Yesterday Person was being a Dog Listener and she went to see a Dog with SPOTS all over him. He was called Oscar.

I wish Person had taken me with her to see Oscar. I have never seen a dog with SPOTS before. They were Black SPOTS.

I don't have any SPOTS, nor does Monty the Mont and nor does Marmite. (I have seen Persons with SPOTS though, but they were Red Spots, not BIG BLACK SPOTS like Oscar's).

Here is a picture of Oscar. My Person was giving him a Treat.

Person didn't give me a Treat when she got home from seeing Oscar though. She just Ignored me instead.

Later, she did give me a little bit of Sausage, and Monty the Mont and Marmite.

I have another picture to show you. It is Noola, Dizzy's new puppy. Noola and Dizzy's Persons are Dog Listeners too, so they Ignore Dizzy and Noola when they come home, just like Person Ignores me.

Anyway, perhaps Dizzy and Noola are given a little bit of Sausage later.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Springer Spaniel

My Person Dig Dog Listening with a Spaniel today. It was a Springer Spaniel.

She is called Zebedee because she is Springy. Zebedee is Ten Months Old.

And here is a picture of Zebedee being IGNORED.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Great Danes

My Person went to see two Great Danes yesterday. Ziggy and Maddie had had a fight and Ziggy had Two Wounds. Ziggie and Maddie's Person had a Big Wound on her arm when she stopped them Fighting.

Great Danes are VERY BIG DOGS.

When my Dog Listener Person first goes in people's houses, she IGNORES their dogs. So she IGNORED the Great Danes.

My Person often Ignores me as well. I know that if I stay quiet for a little while she will then be nice to me.

It is very difficult to IGNORE Great Danes. Ziggy's nose touched Persons nose. Person tried not to laugh. She would not look at Ziggy though. SUDDENLY Ziggy made a loud WOOF, right in her face.

Person says that Ziggy was soooo BIG I could stand up underneath him.

Anyway, I wouldn't have been scared of Ziggy. Marmite wouldn't have been scared of Ziggy. I think Monty the Mont might be a little bit On The Defensive if he met Ziggy.

Here is a picture of Maddie in her bed. It is the Biggest dog bed there is.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Puppies to Play With

My friend Ole is a Daddy. He doesn't live with the Mummy though. He just VISITED her. She is a Patterdale like Ole.

My Person says Fathers should Take Responsibility for their Children. Perhaps Ole should have ALL the puppies living with him so that he can Take Responsibility for his Children.

Ole's Persons are going to allow Ole to Take Responsibility for just one puppy.

Here is a picture

AND, my new friend Dizzy's Persons have given Dizzy a new puppy to play with.

I would Love a new puppy to play with.

I can't be a Daddy. I had The Operation.

Person's fourth born Luke is a Daddy and he lives with Lovely Louise and they have a Baby Girl. (I am not allowed to call her a Bitch).

Marmite has had The Operation as well because Monty the Mont is her Half Brother and if they had Puppies it's called In-Breeding. (Wolves don't do In-Breeding because only the Alpha Pair make babies. Then they Take Responsibility for their Children).

Anyway, if She-Person gave me a puppy to play with I could show it all the holes I dug under the fence when I was little but which I'm too big to get through any more.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Very Nasty Accident

When Person was OUT doing Dog Listening, I nearly had a Very Nasty Accident.

It was fortunate that He-Person was here.

I was playing my game of Pretending to Kill Monty the Mont in our field, when I caught my bottom teeth under Monty's collar.


He-Person heard me Screeeeaming. Monty the Mont was running around the field and I had to run around the field as well because I was joined to him by my bottom teeth.

He-Person Chased us. Monty the Mont ran, pulling me along by my mouth. He-Person was running SHOUTING stop stop STOP.

I was SCREEEEEAMING so Loudly that Marmite was BARKING and Jumping and Crying too.

At last He-Person unclipped Monty's collar. (This took a long time because the collar was very Tight with my jaw inside the collar as well as Monty the Mont's neck).


If He-Person had not been here to unclip Monty the Mont's collar, I might still be joined to Monty's neck by my mouth. Then I would either STARVE or DIE of Thirst.

He-Person Saved my Life.

So, Dog Listening isn't always good for dogs. It's not good for me if I nearly have a Very Nasty Accident with Monty the Mont while she's away Dog Listening with other dogs.

Anyway, here is a picture of Marmite's feet.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Getting Naughty

My Person has been out a lot doing Dog Listening.

She says I am getting NAUGHTY. Yesterday she called us all IN from our field.

Marmite is Slowest but she came IN first. Monty the Mont wanted to come in but I didn't let him. I stood in front of him and I ATTACKED him. I grabbed the fur on his neck.

Then I let Monty the Mont go in.

Later, when I felt like going in it was Too Late. Person had shut me out in the field by myself.

So Person says she is going to BLITZ me with Dog Listening for a couple of days. I am waiting for my tea. I have tried asking but Person is ignoring me. I am now lying down patiently, not looking at her. That will Do The Trick.

I knew it would.

I was a Good Boy at Person Training (Dog Training ha ha) today. Marmite was a Good Girl at Training. Monty the Mont stayed in the car because he doesn't like Training. He is On the Defensive. He doesn't like being with lots of dogs in a small place because he can't run away if he's scared.

I am Never scared at Training. I just stay close to Person when the Big Black German Shepherd that Growls looks at me. Marmite used to be a little bit Scared to start with. She then made a Puddle on the floor like she did at the Vet's. Linsey Person was never cross with her. Linsey Person is a very Kind Trainer.

Anyway, Person is going to try taking Monty the Mont back to Training soon. She says now he has been thoroughly Dog Listened that he will trust her to look after him. Then Monty the Mont won't have to worry about the other dogs. He won't have to be On the Defensive.

Person likes going to Training because she likes TALKING to other Persons. It's for herself really. Not for me, not for Marmite and certainly not for Monty the Mont.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Responsibilities of Dog Ownership

Someone called Dr.Besser says in the newspaper I would like to see Mandatory Classes for Expectant Dog Owners to teach them about the Responsibilities of Dog Ownership.

Expectant Dog Owners? I thought Bitches did the Expecting not Owners.

It's raining today. Monty the Mont, Marmite and I have Twelve feet altogether to make Muddy Footprints on the floor. So the gate to our field is shut. Boring. The only thing we can do is sleep under Person's desk.

The Responsibilities of Dog Ownership could mean Persons must not shut gates and stop dogs from going into fields whenever they want. The Responsibilities of Dog Ownership could mean that all Dog Owners must call out a Dog Listener so they could learn to play that 'I'm an Alpha Wolf game' like Person plays with us.

My Person who is a Dog Listener would be Very Busy. She would Go Out even more than she does now. Because she's Out all the time, she won't be able to do Responsibilities of Dog Ownership properly with me, or with Monty the Mont or with Marmite, because we are left at home.

I am very sad because Tobi who writes in my Blog and who lives in Costa Rica has gone. He says he is now Angel Tobi. I'm not too sure about Heaven and Hell. I quite like it here, under Person's desk with Monty the Mont and Marmite.

Did the Angels in Heaven have to take Mandatory Classes about the Responsibilities of Dog Ownership before getting Tobi?

Anyway, I don't suppose the Elyssian Fields get Muddy.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

At the Vet's

Monty the Mont and Marmite both went to the vet's yesterday for their injections.

If you are one of my Person's Dog Listener friends and you are reading my Blog today, I shall tell you what REALLY HAPPENED at the vet's.

Marmite pulled and jumped. Then she made a PUDDLE on the vet's floor. I never make Puddles on floors.

I hope none of Person's Dog Listener friends saw what Monty the Mont did! While He-Person sat with Monty the Mont, a Boxer dog came in to the vet's waiting room.

The Boxer dog looked at Monty the Mont. Monty the Mont looked at the Boxer dog. Both dogs Pulled to get to each other and made Excited noises.

And He-Person forgot ALL the Dog Listener stuff Person had told him about. He didn't walk calmly outside with Monty the Mont. He didn't distract him calmly like Dog Listeners do. He-Person did lots of Commands. DOWN MONTY, DOWN, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT, SIT, LEAVE IT...

Oh dear. Dog Listener's dogs don't Pull. Dog Listener's dogs don't get Excited by other dogs. Dog Listener's dogs certainly don't make PUDDLES on vet's floors.

Anyway, I just stayed in the car.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Wild Predators

My Person says that, from behind, I look like Something Else.

A Sad Elephant, or maybe an Aardvark.

This is because I have two Whorls, one each side of my Tail. They look like EYES.

Monty the Mont doesn't have two Whorls that look like EYES, and nor does Marmite have two Whorls that look like EYES.

Perhaps I have two Whorls that look like Eyes so that Wild Predators are too AFRAID to Attack me From Behind.

I hope Wild Predators don't Attack Marmite from Behind because she would have to Run and Marmite is Slow. I'm not Slow. I'm FAST.

If Wild Predators Attacked Monty the Mont from Behind just a little bit, it could Teach him a Lesson.

It would prove to Monty the Mont that I am Winner of the 'Who's Top Dog' game if Wild Predators are too AFRAID to Attack me, but Wild Predators are not too AFRAID to attack Monty the Mont.

Anyway, I don't think we have Wild Predators in our field. We do have Moles though.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Boss

My Person keeps going out and leaving us All Alone. This is since she has been doing Dog Listening.

Each time Person comes back she Smells of a Different Dog.

Yesterday she came back smelling of Jack Russell. Jack Russell Worries. He Panics. He thinks it's his Job to Look After his Persons all the time so he BARKS AND BARKS AND BARKS. Jack Russell Charges About. He tries to Attack cars.

Jack Russell goes Frantic when a Visitor comes. When my Person came he jumped right up as high as her face, then he charged all over the chairs, then he climbed up her leg, then he ran around the room BARKING and his Persons couldn't catch him. My Person said to Jack Russell's Persons please put his collar on.

Then she said we will now put a lead on him. Then they could catch him. They shut him in the kitchen. When he came out he started again. Back into the kitchen. Then he came out and started again. Back into the kitchen. Soon it was a bit longer before he started again. Back in the kitchen. All the time nobody looked at Jack Russell and nobody spoke to him.

Persons just carried on talking to each other.

After about one hour Jack Russell lay down and then he gave a big Sigh and went to Sleep.

Already Jack Russell is learning that he is not The Boss. Being the Boss is a Big Job. Too Big for Jack Russell. Being The Boss is his Person's Big Job.

In our Pack Monty the Mont thinks he's The Boss of the Dogs. But Monty the Mont can't make me think he's The Boss of the Dogs. Monty the Mont sometimes Tests Person to see if Person really is The Boss. He pushes past her and knocks into her when she's taking us OUTSIDE to feed us.

Person Stops. She gives Monty the Mont one of her Loooong Looooooks. So Monty the Mont turns around and tucks in behind her.

Anyway, here is a picture of Monty the Mont showing Marmite that he's The Boss of the Dogs.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Falling Over

I had Writers Block yesterday. I haven't got Writers Block any more because I have something to Write About. Person gave me a Big Stuffed Bone today. She also gave Monty the Mont a Big Stuffed Bone and she gave Marmite a Big Stuffed Bone.

Person gave us Big Stuffed Bones because we had to stay OUTSIDE for Four Whole Hours. We had to stay OUTSIDE because Granny and Granny's Sister came to our house. Granny is 94 Years of Age and Granny's Sister is 91. That is thirteen Years of Age in Dog Years.

I wonder whether I shall live to be thirteen Years of Age.

I had to stay OUTSIDE, Monty the Mont had to Stay OUTSIDE and Marmite had to Stay OUTSIDE. This is not because we might Jump Up. (After Person started playing her Dog Listening games with us we have stopped Jumping Up - nearly). We had to stay OUTSIDE because Granny might Fall Over. Granny's Sister might Fall Over too. They might even Fall Over if we just Walk Past them!

It would be more sensible if Granny had four legs and Granny's Sister had four legs. Then Granny and Granny's Sister would not be so very Wobbly.

Anyway, if Granny and Granny's Sister had four legs then Person would not have given us Big Stuffed Bones to quarrel over OUTSIDE.

Tomorrow my Person is going to visit a Boxer who Pulls so hard on his lead that sometimes his Person Falls Over! I expect Boxer will get some of my Person's Stop Start Change Direction games.

Here are Monty the Mont and Marmite in the Outside kennel with what's left of one of our Big Bones.